Lately I've been "undecided." About lots of things.
Currently, I have written five new beginnings to five different books. I can't manage to feel committed about any of the projects. Each of them has parts I like, and none of them has convinced me that I want to spend the next 2-3 years with them. Does this mean I haven't hit on what I should work on, or that I am insanely unable to make a decision right now?
I also recently read "The Happiness Project." (Libbi's suggestion) While I think the author might be even more OCD than me, and I was a little put off by her blog's assertion that she is a "happiness expert" - I couldn't get past the self-promotion there - she has some valid points about being deliberate when making goals for improvement and increased happiness. After reading the book I felt compelled to make some goals (or resolutions, as she put it). But what would I make them about? There are so many different areas of improvement. Which ones do I want to attack?
I often have this sort of paralysis when it comes to making sweeping decisions about my life. Topics for FHE? Areas of improvement in my relationships with each child? Character traits I want to change/improve in myself? What should I include? What should I leave out? Who am I to say what is important for the here and now?
This last weekend I pulled a Kathleen and moved all my furniture and closets (their insides) around the house. Justin is getting a new exercise bike to help with his migraines and I told him if he was bringing a new large item into our finite sized house, he had to give me a complete day of help with projecting (moving, throwing away, rearranging.) When I finished, I felt settled and accomplished. Everything was in its place - a place more suited to it, and better arranged than before.
But it made me wonder, am I rearranging my furniture because I can't figure out how I want to rearrange my life? Am I creating for myself a false sense of a fresh start? Not really, because I feel less claustrophobic and constrained when my house is in order. I feel more ready to take on projects. But I wish I could as easily set in order my mind and goals as I do my home. I wish I could have the courage to throw stuff out, find new spots for things, introduce drastic change, try crazy configurations. If only it were so easy to make decisions about my attempts at the future, as it is to start with a fresh look for my house.
(And yes, all the kids are now in the same room. Spencer made it out of the closet.)